Befriending My Own Stuckness

I am feeling stuck. Like, really stuck. I’ve been stuck in one place now for about two and a half years. Yeah, it’s bad. Not only has it been a long time, but after a lot of effort I am feeling even more stuck.

I don’t know about you, but my usual response to stuckness, especially entrenched stuckness, is to resist. Push. Work harder. Complain about what I see as obstacles in my way. (I’ve probably even whined a little bit.)  At first, I tried turning up the volume on these responses. It’s perhaps no surprise that the stuckness has not only endured but gotten further entrenched.

And so, this has me thinking. Deeply. And asking some questions that I don’t want to ask and to recognize that I might even fear the answers. But here are some questions that I’m holding:

What is my stuckness teaching me about my usual bag of tricks?

This is a tough one because I’ve been thinking that I have totally shifted. Look at how relaxed I am! Look at my accepting the situation! Look at these long breaths that I take instead of immediately pushing back! The catch is that I have been trying to relax and accept with conditions. I will relax and accept as long as the situation changes. I want my immediate reward for being a good girl. But conditional acceptance is not acceptance. Plain and simple.

What would I see if I not only stopped resisting the stuckness, but if I welcomed it?

Oh God. I really don’t want to welcome it. But it’s here and while I have complete control over myself, I don’t have control over the situation. I have marginal influence, at best. To be clear, I am no where near close to welcoming the stuckness. But as I hold this question, I find myself a little more curious about what goodness, grace, learning, and freedom may be here that I’m missing. I’m holding my curiosity as progress.

What if I fully accepted my resistance, my pushing, my complaining?

I often look at these reactions as failures of my evolution. That internal critic can get really loud. But I also know that these are just parts of me that are trying to show up and do what’s right, even if it’s counterproductive. So many of my deepest challenges have lead me to a deeper lesson of radical acceptance of me. The evolved parts. The young parts. The hurt parts. The joyful parts. The immature parts. The wise parts. I’m still judgmental about many parts of myself, but I feel a little more compassion.

What if I just accepted my powerlessness?

I hate feeling powerless. I can’t state this strongly enough. But I have only very limited control over what’s happening. There is freedom in the truth.

There is no magic wand here. Honestly, this still sucks. While I am working on befriending my stuckness, I’m not particularly happy about it. But what I have found is a greater sense of peace. I find myself a bit more relaxed. Breathing a little more deeply. Appreciating some of the quiet moments in the stuckness. For now, maybe that’s just good enough.