The Gift of an Authentic ‘No’
If I you ask me something, can you trust that I’ll say ‘no’? Do you worry that I say ‘yes’ but don’t mean it and won’t follow through? Are you concerned that I’ll say ‘yes’ and feel resentful? How would our personal and professional lives be different if we could be honest with ourselves and others about our ‘no’s’ and then skillfully express them? What would change in our relationships? What is the impact on our work and leadership?
There are lots of reasons to be careful about saying ‘no.’ At work, we want to be a team player. We want people to trust that we can and will get things done. We want people to know that we carry our fair share. In our personal relationships, we want our closest family and friends to feel like we’re there for them. We want to show that we care. We are often afraid that if we say ‘no,’ we might be perceived as uncaring, difficult, out for ourselves and not invested in the collective well being of the organization or our family.
The irony is that when we say ‘yes’ when our deepest knowing and truth is ‘no,’ we achieve none of the above. We may run an even higher risk of being perceived as uncaring, difficult, unreliable if what we are feeling is incongruent with what we are feeling, or if we are not fully committed to following through.
In truth, our ‘yeses’ and ‘no’s’ are deeply connected. We need our ‘no’ to protect and defend our deepest ‘yes.’ My coaching clients and I often talk about where they need to strengthen their ‘no’ to protect a deeper ‘yes’ like professional standards of behavior, ethics, personal and family time, and work product quality to name a few.
It’s not that my clients are not deeply committed to these ‘yeses.’ It’s that they fear that their ‘no’ will strain relationships, convey that they are not a team player, or be labeled “that woman.” The question is how do we tap into our deepest ‘yeses’ and our authentic ‘no’s’ and then communicate in a way that builds connection and relationship? Imagine what is possible in life and work if you can trust a ‘yes’.
The first step is noticing your default response. I know for myself that I can have a strong default to preserve harmony in relationships – in both work and life. I accept and honor this part of me because it is partly why I have such strong communication, mediation and facilitation skills. All good stuff. I have also worked to become attune to the pull toward relationship and away from my own internal knowing, where our deeper commitments often live. The more awareness I have when I feel a false choice between my ‘no’ and relationship, the more I can use my formidable skills to navigate the divide. What is your default response? How often do you sense it’s pull?
The second step is to really clarify what what ‘no’s’ you need in place to protect your deepest ‘yeses.’ As you consider your leadership over the next quarter or year, what ‘no’s’ do you need in place to have the impact that you want? What do you need to protect more deeply than you are now? What is most important? With your deepest commitments identified, the ‘no’s’ to protect them in place, you are more likely to follow through and achieve what you set out to do. Your follow through and commitment also builds trust, relationship and credibility – invaluable leadership assets. So that when you give a ‘yes’ to someone, they can trust it. The only way we can truly, deeply commit is when we honor our authentic ‘no.’
And finally, there is the negotiation to test how the deeper ‘yes’ can be protected and the other person’s interests honored. In work and life, the relationships where these conversations are explored are the ones that I treasure the most. They are truly a gift and they come with a deep honoring of our own and the other’s authentic ‘no.’